First Victim: House of Flying Daggers (Zhang Yi Mou)
El Cine Paradiso's RATING:
Narrative/Plot = POOR
This is a cheesy tragi-love-martial arts bonanza about two confused warriors (Andy Lau vs Takeshi Kaneshiro) pining over the love of a juvenile lolita (Zhang Zi Yi) . The plot is painfully predictable; poor little lolita is burdened with too many choices to make and the male rivals engage in a dramatic duel in the finale.
(check out the infamous 'bloody' duel which stretches from gorgeous Spring to arctic Winter, hello??? Fatigue???)
Poor little lolita would then crawl out from the snow to stop her two lovers from stabbing each other.
Obviously, someone would have to die.

Ignore the brief references to government politics in the narrative, they are of no relevance. At the end of the day, it is a soppy love story of three deranged protagonists who simply can't make sensible decisions.

And whats with throwing stones at drums to test the senses of a poor blind girl?
Unbelieveable.

And forgettable.

Cinematography = MEDIOCRE
Every Tom, Dick and Harry will rave about Zhang Yi Mou's credible choice of set locatons, striking colour schemes, brisk but visually engaging camera movements; but don't forget, he's done the same damned thing in very damned film he has laid his hands on. Think; insanely vibrant colours in HERO, deadpan Scenography in Not One Less etc. Sure, he is an auteur in his own right, but the film becomes a carbon copy of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.

CAST PERFORMANCES/ CHARACTER PORTRAYAL = CRINGE
Andy Lau's portrayal of an army general is equivalent to TreeBeard from Lord Of The Rings. Lines are delivered in such monotony that you'd rather not care what he says.
Note the last scene after the deadly duel with his 'rival' he whimpers off in the snow with a gout-stricken posture only Rasputin would be proud of.
Not to mention that he has a knife stuck onto his back during the last half of the film. (he was stabbed as a form of punishment for breaking some sort of political rule and therefore has to keep it inside of him until he repents one fine day)
And so he goes around socialising, grocery shopping and fighting with a knife stuck into his spinal cord.
Never knew that mortals don't bleed.
And please RUN when you see such a man.

Takeshi Kaneshiro's sole skill in archery brings back memories of Legolas.
(ie: Pretty Boy who likes to attack from far in the fear of damaging his face in close contact) Has an awful habit of smirking and leaning on trees throughout the film. Too much of facial foundation.

Zhang Zi Yi is a (unconvincingly) blind Arwen who resurrects from death at least three times in the film.
They say love transcends death.
Sure.
Not when her immortal screen presence reaches a point when the cinema audience are prompted to shout ,' For god's sake, just DIE and be done with it!!!!' (Translated from Cantonese)
Also note her ill-fitting costumes which constantly seem to drape over her left shoulder for a sensual effect.

There is no greater way to celebrate my love for glorious and distasteful cinema with a web blog exhibiting my uneducated thoughts on selected (lucky) films.....
Slagging off films can be fun, but I don't want to sound like a well-aged film critic venting her frustration at the stale state of contemporary cinema.

Stale? Hardly.

As colouful as popular films strive to portray, even some shit films can trigger an outburst of euphoria. By this I mean that some films can be so bad that they are actually worth laughing at.  

Some films deserve to be immortalised for their stupidity.